The biggest problem I have ever had with dealing with other people close to me is feeling rejected. I can look back on my life and pick out times this happened and the feelings I experienced at the time. When this happened, I generally retreated away from the person for an extended period of time or just walked away forever. More recently this has been going on with my spouse, actually from the first year we were married. What it turned out to be was a game unbeknownst to me, which was clumsy to start with, but I got better at it.

The last time I played this game with him a few weeks ago was when I finally realized what it was and how I played it. The week after Thanksgiving I was starting to get a bit stressed since I was going to have a minor surgery to my foot. I don't know why but it had started to give me small anxiety attacks every time I thought about it, perhaps it brought the same feelings of what happened last Feb. So I started to get stressed with my spouse, and we got into some stupid arguments, mostly centered on what I needed, three nights in a row. The third night, day before surgery, it was a humdinger where I myself kicked it off with being insolent and pouty, which rubbed him the wrong way, and so his response to me was anger (and rejection I surmised) and I got more pouty, (to get attention) started zoning out where I don't hear him so of course I miss portions of what he says, and this irritates him more because he sees this as a lack of interest in what he has to say. So this went on for 1/2 hr, working us both up into a state of chaos (for me) and anger (for him) and I took the dog outside for a bit. While outside I was having terrible feelings of loss of love, rejection, abandonment, fear, etc., breaking into tears for a few minutes even. When I started to calm down and made myself think about the whole thing inside, the pieces started to fall into place. I had been fishing for sympathy several days now about the surgery and when it wasn't forthcoming, I started to play my Game. I picked fights to get attention and as a bonus in the Game, I would automatically gain the familiar feelings of rejection that had been such a comfortable place to be when I was a child. And so it would drive the two of us apart and my feelings of rejection were verified. This was the Game, to get myself to this point, so I could feel this way. The seconds that it involved with the whole picture of the Game in front of me, I could feel the fear and rejection lift from me almost instantly, I think I even giggled a bit as I rushed back up to the house to say I was sorry and explain my Game to my spouse. I know now that letting those little negative thoughts roll around in my head a while, will in fact bring on the need to play the Game with him because I start to beat myself up over the bad thoughts about myself and need someone on the outside to take the blame for making me feel bad.

One other note here, the anxiety of the surgery the next day? Gone, totally. I had zero bad thoughts about it, sailed through it with a smile on my face and not a bit of fear or dread. Which proves that ones mind and thoughts can drive you to a state of anxiety and phobias. So what has made me recognize my Game? Reading a book called "Games People Play". We play them for any number of reasons, mine was for attention and verifying what a bad person I was.