I'm thinking about this one.

What has happened when I try to hang out with people I admire for their emotional stability is that I end up busting out of the relatioinship because I feel shut down--that is, I have to stifle myself so much that I'm not there....and, usually, just before I leave, I precipitate it by an enormous effort of piety, but without any faith to sustain it. Mine is a heart divided between opitimism and pessimism.

I find it so hard to know when I am "being" something or am something. "Being" blows up in my face, but maybe it does so because I very frequent, short-term reinforcement?