Thank you again to all of you for your responses and your concern.

I have received a few PM's telling me that talking about what is going on with me is what I need to do, and that it is the healthy thing to do. I do agree although, isolation is much easier for me .

My intrusive thoughts are hard for me to talk about. Mainly because I am extremely ashamed of them. About a year ago I was having horrible thoughts of hurting my youngest child, my son. He is 9 years old (almost 10). They were not specific thoughts on how I would hurt him. It was just thoughts of what if I blacked out and hurt him. I didnt trust myself because I was afraid that I would hurt him. I never shared these feelings with anyone for a few months. I finally felt safe and comfortable enough to share my thoughts with my T. She spent our entire session providing me with literature about OCD and fear of hurting a loved one. She told me that thoughts of this nature are very common for someone with OCD. Although I felt relieved I still felt ashamed. After speaking with her several times about this, I felt comfortable enough to speak freely about it with my hubby and best friend. I have mentioned it on the boards a while back but not in detail. Lately the thoughts are increasing again and I dont know why. It is making me feel extremely uncomfortable around him. I know, logicly this is my OCD, but the shame that I feel when I look into his eyes is overwhelming and I feel horrible. I feel sad because I would never harm a hair on his head.

Yesterday my son and I got into a horrible fight. I was screaming he was screaming and I ended up throwing one of his toys across the room and I broke it. He started kicking my leg and them bit me on arm and left a mark. My first instinct was to hit him but I didnt. I started to cry and walked upstairs. I was so upset with myself. After a few minutes I went back downstairs and said some things to my son that I now regret. I told him that I didnt like him anymore and that I was tired of him not listening and acting like this. He started to cry and I didnt comfort him. I just went out back and cried. My son cried himself to sleep last night and all the while I just wanted to die. I was so angry with myself for saying those things to him. I feel like the worst mother in the world. These are things that I had to listen to my father day to me when I was growing up and I dont want to be anything like my father. I tried talking to my son today. I told him that I loved him and that I was sorry about the things that I said to him. He just seemed so distant. Hubby said that I went overboard with what I said but I was angry. I was angry with him and with me. I just feel like my hole life is going to %#@&#!.

I was doing pretty well and I was looking forward to the holidays and now my life feels like its falling apart at the seams. My anxiety is up. Intrusive thoughts are up. I am beginning to think that think will never get better. I just have to learn to cope with this forever.

I just feel like I am going nuts.