So the first week of december my coworkers and I were informed that our team was being restructured. With this came the requierment to re-apply for our jobs. At that time we were told that we would be interviewd and know the outcome by December 22nd. As it turns out this ended up being the day we finally got interviewed.

My interview was less than steller. The weekend prior to this I found that my then fiance had cheated on me, and in all honesty I could have cared less about the interview. I was thrown into deep depression, and almost checked myself in to the hospital due to the racing / suicidal thoughts. My family talked me out of the hospital, and my sister-in-law (who is a crises councelor) helped make sure that I was kept safe.

Next week thursday my team and I have a meeting with HR.. of course this was scheduled to interfere with my psychologist. I am on edge, and feel as though everything is outside of my control. Half of me wants to be fired, and the other half does not want to continuing working for an organization that keeps changing the job requierments asking us to do more with less, and give up even more of our off hours free time (salaried).

I really do not want my job, but If I loose it I will not be able to continue seeing my doctors or be able to afford my medications. The stress is killing me, and has caused me not to sleep fully for over a month. I really just want this to end.

I am afraid of what is comming, and I just do not want to face anything else. The anxiety and depression are killing me, and I just do not want to face what is comming.

I feel like I am alone, and that nothing matters anymore. I am unhappy with tears everyday most of the day. I know that this phase will end, but how much am I supposed to take. I just want to escape!