It occurred to me this morning that it's possible that when I was a baby, the human feelings generated in me by my mother and my brother (both of whom had huge, huge problems) were sufficiently unpleasant (they certainly were so later on, after memory began) to make me recoil from human contact and take refuge in self-isolation. Hence the (at least surface) immunity to loneliness.

I thought of this possibility in connection with another realization at the same time: though I do very well on academic work and all kinds of formal tests, I have little or no automatic insight into other people's thinking, sayings or doings. I have (I think) reason to believe that other people have much more automatic understanding of the minds of people with whom they associate, whether as family, as friends or as co-workers. From what I read in developmental psych this understanding is based on interactions with mom as a baby.

I believe that underneath it all, I have as much insight into others as the average person does. However, there's something in my mind that refuses to "go there." To some unconscious part of me, knowing or suspecting other people's thinking, emotions or feelings is threatening. I just don't want to know. And I believe that goes all the way back to near the beginning. So my "happiness" with isolation would really be satisfaction with what's second-best, in the sense that I'd probably be "happier" were I entirely convinced that human contact is a pleasant, enjoyable thing.

And being here on PC, exchanging posts and PM's with all of you, is human contact with heavy protection against real intimacy in the sense that we don't get closer to each other than the written word. For me, that's acceptable and enjoyable.

Does this make any sense to any of you? Does anyone out there "enjoy" the same condition?

Take care!