Well, it's a new day. i'm still depressed, but it's of lesser intensity then last night's episode of major depression, and rage; i at first was sad at my self for being such a monster and not approaching the friends. Then sad that if i had, what would i say; i'd say mean things from being irritable. Then i started to victimize my self becasue they ignored me. Even though I ignored them. I then started to feel an uncontrollable rage come on; it was mild at first and controllable... But it spiraled out of control in short time, and i was in full blown "i'm angry at the world, everything, and all that could ever be. and worst at all, if i had not gone to the safe place, i would have turned that rage inward to my self because often when i'm in severe depression, i believe i am a monster and the worst being in existence. Which i fear could have ended badly for me.

Bi Polar depression is intense uphill battle, filled with many turns that turn you away; many lies and half truths. You fight it blind, and, often alone. It doesn't need to be alone; but in depression, all you can think about is how alone you are, and how abandoned you are. And your mind reinforces that by playing off your fears.

i woke up in tears from this,

i was down town. at dusk/night. i ws grabbing some dinner for my self. i can see everything clear as day in the dream; cars, people, buildings' very vivid. i interact with a few people, and i decide to get some pizza, so i get a few slices. on my way back to my car, i see the friends with a group of people. they see me, too, but do nothing. i hear their conversation, it's about going to see a movie, and how up beat they all are about it. i wave, and they turn their back, and continue to the movie theatre.

it's this sort of thing that my mind does. it plays tricks on me, and my fears. it makes me not want to be friends with anyone when i'm in full blown depression mode.