Hello Friends,

I have spent the day forcing myself to not burst into tears. I had to go grocery shopping and had to concentrate to not let tears slide down my face.

This is ridiculous, I've been through enough to know that things eventually work out somehow... even if it's not what we want. But my emotions aren't working with my reasoning right now.

The letter from the DHHR was the last straw on my fear of being homeless again. I have other financial problems that scare me to death and now this... The nightmares about being homeless have been back for months but they are increasing in reality to the point I'm not sure where I am sometimes when I wake up. I have to lay there for a minute and concentrate to figure out where I am.

My father left our family home to me. He also left half a farm and other properties to me. He left them in my mother's name with the explicit instructions that they were to be left for me because my health was so poor even then. His abuse is what broke my health, but I guess that was supposed to be beside the point. Of course, I earned everything he left for me with my slave labor, sweat, and yes, blood. It didn't occur to him that she would ever try to think. She thought all right and sold it all to the first person who came along and offered a low offer. She sold it all but one tiny rental house. She wasted all the money. All of it. My home is gone. My farm is gone. She complains because she lives in the tiny house and she won't let me stay there. She's complaining about her safe little house and I'm in a mugger's paradise in an apt where I sometimes can't breathe because the bedroom is so tiny.

I forced myself to finish putting up my tree. To my horror, I can't see my ornaments! My vision is that much worse. It's all I can do to keep from starting to box everything I own. It's a reflex and I'm fighting it. I don't have a closet big enough, but for the first time in years yesterday I wanted to hide in the closet. (What I used to do when I knew I was in danger when I was tiny.)

I also realize I have been jerked off a lots of my meds due to allergic reactions and that's having a huge effect on my emotions.

A dear friend here finally convinced me to share with all of you when I am in crisis. I hope you don't get tired of it. Thanks for reading this.

I need someone to protect me right now and all I have is me. I know the second I post this, I'll be horrified that I did, but here goes.

Your friend,

Jan