Dexter - I read your (updated) paper and want to commend you - it is really excellent. You did a fantastic job and you write exceptionally well.

I'm glad you included a few points about taking care of oneself. I've been living with my boyfriend's pretty severe depression for about 2.5 years (of the 4 we have been together). I've been really active in a support group for family members, have heard the stories of hundreds of others by now, and now that my boyfriend's situation has improved, I can finally think with a clear head. I'm only now coming to realize a few things:

- depression is a family illness; it affects everyone involved. There is a lot of research, treatment, and support for people who suffer from depression, but much less for the family members who are directly affected. Mood swings are common, and although it's great if you are strong enough to not be affected by your loved one's moods, it's really not that easy. Family members, especially if children are involved, really should seek support for themselves.

- depression is a bit contagious; hard to feel great about anything when the person you love feels awful and the stress of worrying about them can be very overwhelming.

- the stigma of depression? The family members feel it, too. I can't tell you how many times someone has asked me whether my boyfriend has found a job yet, and after explaining that he is ill and can't work, I get the "Sugar Momma" comment. The same people that tell depressed people to "snap out of it" or to "stop being so lazy" ALSO assume that the people who support the depressed are enablers or enjoy the power. I cannot begin to tell you how much that hurts, to feel so misunderstood.

- it is very common, almost universal (in my support group) for the families of depressed people to feel emotionally neglected in some of the following ways:
----- As some of you have mentioned on this board, sex feels like a chore when you don't feel good about yourself -- and it is completely understandable, but sex is a way to connect and to feel intimate with your partner. So although we understand why you don't want to, it's hard not to wonder if it's because of the depression or whether we should take it personally.
----- Also, it's hard to celebrate your own success with someone who feels like they continuously fail, so we try to downplay them, but of course it hurts to not hear "I'm proud of you".
----- We have talked here about pushing our loved ones away when feeling very depressed. It doesn't feel good to be pushed away, but we intellectualize that it's only because of the depression, not anything personal... but many of us (spouses/significant others) become so used to being pushed away and/or focusing on the depressed person's problems that our standards for what we can expect to receive in what should be an equal, team relationship are reduced to rock bottom.
----- Many of us in the other support group feel grateful for even scraps of affection, or a sincere question about how WE are feeling, because for many of us, it doesn't happen very often (actually, I think my boyfriend is an exception to that rule - even at his lowest, he has always been very affectionte and I really appreciate it).

- and how to deal with the resentment when your spouse/significant other suffers from depression, but feels it is hopeless to get treatment? Or doesn't follow the medical advice, or wants to go off medications that work because they "feel better"? All the education about "Depression, The Illness" does not lessen the frustration. It feels like a cancer patient refusing radiation -- yes, they naturally want to avoid the negative side effects and no, there is no guarantee that they will be cured, but at the same time, they have a chance to control the illness that is eating them away, but they won't take it and you can't make them. Frustrating.

I'm a little nervous about posting this because I hope I'm not inspiring guilt among my friends here. That is NOT my intent, so if any of you are upset about what I wrote, please let me know and I will remove it. It's just that for a long time I felt really alone, very stigmatized myself, scared, stressed, and during most of the dark periods (especially this summer), I placed so much emphasis on helping my boyfriend and being scared that he was suicidal that I really stopped paying attention to myself. I had a little meltdown of my own this past fall. I don't know how I could have prevented it, either -- I did all of the textbook things the experts said to do -- exercise, maintain a social life, do things just for myself -- but the fear never went away. I was just going through the motions. And for many of the spouses/significant others in my other support group, the story is exactly the same.

I realize that for some of you, your spouse/significant other is the SOURCE of your bad feelings. So obviously, what I have written above does not apply.

I can't believe I just wrote all that. I guess it's been on my mind. For my friends here, things ARE much better for me at home now, and I guess now that I'm not so overwhelmed, I can read the posts and stories of other people in my situation and realize that my feelings were very common. But I guess I'm telling YOU this is because some of your family members might feel the same way I do.

Again, if I have upset anybody, please accept my apologies and let me know if you would like me to remove my post.

LMo

We are ALL going to be a-ok!