Everyone,

I went to see my T today. All along I have, as usual, been open and honest with him about my feelings, my fears, and my plans.

I thought that as long as we communicated, it was okay. I was so very wrong. He started out by asking me about my plans. I refused to give him specifics, simply said that I was off next Monday and Tuesday. He tried pinning me down and asking me to promise him that I would be alive by next Sunday if he called me. I told him that I would be at work.

Again, would I be around on Monday? I hedged and said that I was off. Anyway, we went around as usual and argued semantics - I was trying very hard to find loopholes in what he wanted me to promise him.

See, the problem is that I have never lied to him - never would. I also have never broken a promise to him - or to anyone for that matter. I am very careful to whom and for what I make promises. My T knows this and counts on my integrity. I made him a promise in Sept. that I would not end my life and I have kept it.......till around now.

Skipping to the bottom line: because I refused to promise him things, he told me that he would call me next Sunday and that I had to answer the phone....or like before, I would be picked up and hospitalized. My response was to question him as to why my honesty is being used against me like this.

My T said that because he cares, he can not ignore this - and he will do whatever he needs to in order to keep me safe and alive. Last week he lost his composure and shocked me with the intensity of his remarks about me needing to stay alive and the pain it would cause him.

We touched upon that subject again today, and he told me that just because he stays calm, doesn't mean that he doesn't care......he has to be calm in order to think. I was angry and told him that I was back in the same box I was in last Sept. He told me that I have a choice: promise him I will be around in January to keep our appts. or have him call me as often as he thinks necessary.

I went upstairs and started thinking. I made some calls and realized that if I dismissed him as my physician, he would have no further rights to do anything to me. He would have to leave me alone. I went back to his office and told him this. [sigh] My T got tears in his eyes (which confused me again) and told me if that was what I really wanted, he would insist that I make an appt with someone else, go to see this other person for a certain amount of time, and then he would back away. Otherwise he would immediately hospitalize me because he knew the reason I was really doing it.

So much for a loophole. My next attempt was to argue wording/meaning with him. I lost again. The fact that I am starting to do things, like cutting, and not remember it until I am bleeding has him concerned. Yesterday at work I remember doing my inventory, and when entering it into the computer, my supervisor looked down and said, "OMG, where are you bleeding from?" There was blood all over the paperwork and it had come from my finger. I went to the sink, ran it under cold water and held it above my head till it subsided.

I have two choices: I can tolerate the daily (?) phone calls from my T and keep hanging in there because I am backed into a corner..............or when he calls me, I can promise him what he wishes to hear and let him have a peaceful vacation and lie for the first and last time to him.

I know what all of you want me to do........and I appreciate the support and caring and love from everyone. I don't know what I will do. I have a hard time not answering him, esp. in person when he just keeps pushing. Over the phone it is different, but I know that if he senses any hesitancy in my voice, he will send people to me.

I am so tired, disgusted with myself for being truthful (I used to be able to lie so easily and so well.....), and angry for being forced into a decision that my T wants, not me.

Anyway, I will be on the side for awhile. I have nothing to focus on except work to keep my mind occupied......nothing online to really keep me busy except answering posts.........I need to think.

I have to decide if I can go along with this or lie to him.

Mary Alice