</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
jmo531 said:

About a year ago I was having horrible thoughts of hurting my youngest child, my son. He is 9 years old (almost 10). They were not specific thoughts on how I would hurt him. It was just thoughts of what if I blacked out and hurt him. I didnt trust myself because I was afraid that I would hurt him.

Lately the thoughts are increasing again and I dont know why. It is making me feel extremely uncomfortable around him. I know, logicly this is my OCD, but the shame that I feel when I look into his eyes is overwhelming and I feel horrible. I feel sad because I would never harm a hair on his head.

Yesterday my son and I got into a horrible fight. I was screaming he was screaming and I ended up throwing one of his toys across the room and I broke it. He started kicking my leg and them bit me on arm and left a mark. My first instinct was to hit him but I didnt. I started to cry and walked upstairs. I was so upset with myself. After a few minutes I went back downstairs and said some things to my son that I now regret. I told him that I didnt like him anymore and that I was tired of him not listening and acting like this. He started to cry and I didnt comfort him. I just went out back and cried. My son cried himself to sleep last night and all the while I just wanted to die. I was so angry with myself for saying those things to him. I feel like the worst mother in the world. These are things that I had to listen to my father day to me when I was growing up and I dont want to be anything like my father. I tried talking to my son today. I told him that I loved him and that I was sorry about the things that I said to him. He just seemed so distant. Hubby said that I went overboard with what I said but I was angry. I was angry with him and with me. I just feel like my hole life is going to %#@&#!.

I was doing pretty well and I was looking forward to the holidays and now my life feels like its falling apart at the seams. My anxiety is up. Intrusive thoughts are up. .

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Let me say, you are not nuts. And I confess, before I wrote out the below, I looked back on some of your postings to be sure of what I thought.

I feel so bad for you and your family. I suppose I feel the most for your son because I can see myself in his place when I was young. I'm not saying this to beat you up, but to say this can be fixable if you take a risk with your son and tell him the truth of why you said what you did. By truth, I mean explaining the Game you are playing with him, and your husband and most importantly, with yourself.

THE GAME

By what you said about your father saying bad things to you, there is uncovered a need to get control back over your son's life. So for the last year after this bad thought, you've been thinking of him growing up, becoming a teen, a young adult person, and OH MY GOSH!!! NOT DEPENDING ON YOU ANYMORE!!!!!!!!! So while he's still young enough to control, this thought of hurting him, mentally or physically, pops in as a solution to grab control back over his life, because this is what your father did to you by being horrible, he has been able to control your life even to this day proven by the disabling thoughts you have now. (I suspect this comes from the overbearing, strict and critical Parent information inside you) And so it also makes you feel ashamed about it, you hold it closely to your heart, hurting yourself with it again and again and again over this last year. Does it bring you to the same place you are trying to stay away from?

Do you realize you said those words to your son to actually enable you to get to that place where your father put you years ago? That place of pain and suffering so familiar to the NOT OK child of years ago.

This is the Game you see. You do something purposely to cause the familiar pain and suffering you once felt under the thumb of the antagonist in your childhood. It is the Child inside, the vindictive, mean and cruel child, that said these words to your son in order to hurt him and to verify to yourself that you are a terrible mother and a horrible person. That's the Game. So now you have the shamed Child inside, and the critical Parent inside beating on the Child for what was said, and you the Adult, finds that you can't shut them up and can't find the way to make things better between the three of yourselves. This also comes typically to people who have a Game, to run the Game when everything is going pretty smoothly. And so to reignite the bad feelings and regain our place of sorrow, sadness and self-loathing, we say or do something stupid.

The only other that I can offer you, is to take a read of the pages in my siggy, as it will explain the Parent, Child and Adult relationship inside each one of us. The other is to fess up the Game to your son and husband and work towards becoming responsible for the Child and Parent inside yourself. We know you love your son, but just saying sorry won't convey how deeply you love him or why you would want to hurt him to make yourself feel bad. It will be hard for him to understand, as it was hard for my husband to understand a few weeks ago when I realized what my own Game's payoff was. It was to feel worthless, lost, stupid, empty. I suspect you've been suffering under your father's grip forever and the OCD you've been dx'd with is a result of this relationship. Though I haven't seen anything really obsessive in what you written at all. And I know you don't need me telling you that the damage done to your boy by your words has cut him deeply and without intervening quickly with the confession of the Game, he is at risk for future problems. Look into Transactional Analysis for the whole family if you can find someone in your area. If nothing else, read what's in my siggy, then go on to the book suggested therein, INNER CHILD OF THE PAST and I'M OK YOU'RE OK by DR Thomas Harris. GAMES PEOPLE PLAY BY ERIC BERNE MD is what made me see my Game.