Can i ask - "i will close the lips and mind as best i can " - whether you have done those before? an dhow many times? and where has it led you - if not to the current condition?

I was diagnosed with this too. I know how society is trying to ignore people with traumatic past, etc, because it reflects it to itself. But you are by far not alone and not stupid. You need to stop hiding at least from yourself. I understand the embarrassment.

But death will not solve the problem either. I don`t think it is what we think it is. I understand your feelings so well! This self sabotaging, angry feelings. I have them so often too!! Still - it helps because not ALL the parts we dissociate from are self hating or destructive in this way or another.

To tell the difference between those who are safe and those whom you need to stay away from is listening to your instincts, waiting and looking at the ACTION the person makes, rather than at the words they say. Actions, deeds of a person show much more than what they say.

In order to " be able to put the past in the past and leave it there" you need to process it first. You probably don`t hand on to the past, but the past will be hanging on to you until you listen....

I know how you feel, my friends. But inside you, among the dissociated parts, there are those who hold treasure for you - significance, meaning of life, freedom, joy self esteem. When you own your story you get connected again you will be happier. It does not mean not suffering but it does mean much more strength to deal with it. The suffering DOES go away slowly. It remains - but less and less....