I have read some research on trauma that suggests that during traumatic events it takes more intelligence to learn to disassociate than many other kinds of coping.

It also feels like you are feeling things very deeply right now which is the opposite of disassociating. It also feels like you are doing a lot of processing right now and that is a good thing.

I remember a point about 3 years into therapy (I take my dear sweet time) when I started feeling like it would have been easier if people hadn't told me what I had been through was wrong. If people would have just let me be even if I was dissociative. How it would just be easier if I could go back and never have to learn about my trauma and the impact it had on me.
I have since learned it is better to push through. Allow the hard times to rush over me and then let them recede like the tide. Letting the water take a little more of the pain with it each time. I have learned to allow my body to release all the things it couldn't at the time. To cry when sadness fills my eyes and to scream when anger fills my lungs.
I have a part, a very young, scared part, who "lives" in my belly. At least that's where I feel her. She came into being on lots of cold hungry nights. When she is upset or remembering something I get all the symptoms of a stomach bug but none of the medicines help and the Dr. couldn't find anything wrong. I have learned (slowly) to ask her what she needs when I start having feelings in my belly. Some times we sit and slowly sip a warm cup of tea or hot chocolate, really feeling the warmth of the drink as it slowly fills our mouth and moves down our throat. Other times it is pizza, hot wings or ice cream...

OK, now I've just made myself hungry! good thing it is lunch time!!!

Anyway, know that you are not alone, know that you should be proud of all you have done to keep yourself alive and know that this too shall pass leaving you feeling better when it does.

just my 2 cents