Thanks for your two cents. I see what you mean.
I'm feeling a bit defensive now though. I mean my experience with my parents couldn't be exactly the same as yours. I assure you I've been a brilliant daughter, full of empathy and barely an ounce of trouble. I resent them for not returning those sentiments. I don't blame them for the way I am. I blame myself for letting the horrible experiences in my childhood fester in my mind, turning me into some unpredictable and at times, raging monster.


Like tonight, I'm just sank. My mood was lovely earlier, nice and serene. And Now I honestly want to cry. But I triggered that myself. Found an old email detailing a conversation where my ex was trying to convince one of my best friends that I was a cocaine addict, unstable and unreliable as a friend and that he should stick with my ex. He proceeded to spew out a dozen more lies trying to, if not absolve himself of blame, then tone down the 2 years worth of discrepancies that lead to my first suicide attempt.

My mind keeps running over lines like, "If I could have had *** then I would have dropped -Korana- immediately. But that's the way it goes. My perspective was muddled"

I just still feel enraged and humiliated. Like when it all ended I went on a mission and ruined his life. Not verryyy maliciously. But by exposing him, I dug up every person he cheated on me with, every detail about every time, I posted every conversation where he tried to convince me it was MY fault he was being mean to me or manipulating me or lying to me, and I put it all out under the public eye and let him burn. Everyone in his friendship world was disgusted. I remember people saying. "That is not the person who I thought I knew. That's too cruel..."
And then they moved onwards, and I keep snagging my life on that time. Why?

My ex is one of my biggest triggers, still, and it's been 3 years since I broke free. Sometimes he texts me when he's drunk, saying he misses me and still loves me. It really hurts. Cause even though I'm with this amazing guy that I truly do love and want a future with, I still miss my ex too. I hide it and bury it and just can't seem to deal with the concept that even after 3 years and a whole lot of BS, I still have feelings for the person who almost killed me.

J Sorry guys, I'm just ranting. It's one of those nights. Wish I had a better grip on how I'm feeling. Kind of wish I was a robot for a while.