I’m sorry it has taken this long to respond, I haven’t been on much and when I have been on, I haven’t dared to venture into this part of the forums.

Normally, acting like I’m okay around other people is easy for me, as I have years of practice doing just that. I was at a breaking point to say the least. After a week or so of reflection I have come to realize several things.

1: Acting like I am okay is all I really know. It has been my response to every hardship I have faced in my life, having never been told it is okay to feel or express any emotions at all.

2: That no matter what I still have myself. Trust in myself can lead to being able to trust others. If I am confident and trust myself, then it will be easier to open up to the help that is being offered to me.

3. That sometimes forgiveness should not even be considered, some things should be left unsaid, and some problems left alone. I got rid of the person who caused me such hurt. It is not in my nature to forgive and forget, perhaps that is best for now. I do not wish to seek closure, only make sure that she does not end up in my life again.

4. I have been struggling with SI for so long and it is tiring me out. I’m trying, but obviously not hard enough. I’m not even sure if I can be happy again. I’m starting to think that I should just suck it up and deal with everything. It’s not like it matters much. I feel like I’m wasting my life trying to get rid of something that I never will be able to stop.

To answer your question, yes I am still in therapy. It is harder to find time to go, and when I do it doesn’t really seem worth it.