There is a war going on inside me.
I love my precious wife and daughters and never want to hurt them, so suicide isn't what I want to do.
But I am overwhelmed with self destructive thoughts - not cutting to ease the pain - but violent self annihilation. I fight them away and count my blessings, focus on doing positive things. But all sorts of thoughts and ideas, images and emotions buzz around my head at lightning speed, like bullets ricocheting off steel walls - too fast for me to make sense of or reach any conclusions.

I'm depressed, yet was so restless that I worked out for an hour last night before bed, then couldn't sleep until about 4am, then was up at 05h30 to take the kids to school. For the previous week I have been sleep 12 hours a day. Now my body seems calm, but my mind is buzzing with restlessness, and I can't concentrate on the simplest cognitive tasks (except write what I feel).

I fear that this war I have with racing thoughts is driving me insane. The reality outside my head is fading away, and is being replaced by the more real terror inside my head. When people speak, it seems like they are far away or that I am hearing an echo of what they said long after they said it.

How do I deal with this?

I only see my pdoc on Monday next week.