I think I figured something out last night. I will describe our foot rub battle. I used to ask every day and beg, then we talked about it in therapy and I decided that I wasn't going to beg or ask so often because he doesn't like to do it. So I have been asking about once a week. If he says no, I have been respecting that. Soemtimes, I do end up begging which makes me feel weird. Then he will say "OK, in a few minutes" and then not say anything for about a half hour. Then I remind him that it has been a half hour and he says he needs a few more minutes. Then finally when I get him to do the footrub, I don't have his attention and he gives me a hard time about using lotion on my feet. (I know some of you think this would be gross, my husband does, but it is something that I enjoy.) Then when I tell him that something he is doing feels good, he stops. So I think what is happening is that he is being passive aggressive about the whole thing, and I end up having to pull teeth until he does it, and then I feel bad, and we have an argument. It is about way more than a foot rub.

Last night we talked a little bit about how much he hates it and I said I don't like that you hate touching me. He said that he doesn't hate touching me and I asked in what way. He put his hand on my shin (My legs were across his lap after several begging sessions on my part for a foot rub.) and I said it that about all you want to do? He said yes and that he hates massaging me. Hates it.

So how do I handle this without being a martyr ("Oh, I guess I'll live with you evver touching me again blah blah blah) ecause that is really my first instinct. I want to get all passive aggressive on him and count how many days he goes without offering a foot rub or massage of any kind. That is a pretty bad idea, because I did that with intimacy in the bedroom and now we have not gone there in a year and a half.

We are going totalk about it in counselling Saturday.

So I feel weird and dramaitc saying this, but I feel like some part of my being has been emptied out and shriveled up.