I just had this huge post typed up and my computer messed up...ugh. I am so frustrated. I am so MAD at myself. I hadn't cut since a while, maybe a little more than a month? two months? anyways, I was having these urges and I was okay, tried to keep myself busy... I just wouldnt' let myself cut. and then, from one moment to the next when things seemed "fine" it was all automatic.. I just grabbed my razor and cut... 23 times.... and I didn't even care. I just sat there and starred into the open... it didn't hurt. it was like that wasn't even me. EMPTINESS is the general way I've been feeling. I actually got mad at myself when I saw what I had done, screaming why I think I deserve to be punished. but I have no answers. only hate. I can't stop. I don't know if I even want to stop. I just want to understand, want to be able to deal w/ these emotions... how can someone have so much hate for themselves? how can I ever get away from this??? My life is so "together" from the outside, and yet deep down it's all crumbling since years. Is this normal? Should I just forget about it and keep on living my life? Should I just accept that this will always be a part of me??? Do I have any other choice?? Coping mechanisms dont' work...or rarely. anyone???