when is si ever really "worth it"? I know that in the moment it is but in the long run it rarely is...sigh. If you can, try focusing on something else... and not the fact that you're waiting for him to go to sleep so you can cut.... or better, take the knife and hide it yourself, put it in a place where it'll be really hard for you to get at... you could even hand it over to him if you think you're strong enough... but I mean, no matter what happens, it's not going to set you back to never having stopped si... it's only a slip up, but it sounds like right now you're still debating it.... and as bad as things may seem, is there anything you can do to try and take your mind off of wanting to si? that's the only thing I really find that helps... until the urge passes. it works some of the time at least... but again, don't beat yourself up if you have si'd.... part of getting better is not living in these all or none ways and getting over si is bound to include some slip ups... (((hugs))) hope you find the strength to resist the urges....