They have mental health clinics that charge you an amount based on your income. I think that you were very brave to come out and share what you are feeling. It sounds like you are way way too hard on yourself though.

I've been on medication for depression most of my life. I remember what it was like when I wasn't though. And it sounds a lot like how you are struggling right now. There's nothing to be ashamed of going on medication. In my case, and maybe yours, it was a chemical imbalance. It lifted me out of that place where I was just wandering around running into walls and hating myself. And the difference is like night and day. When you get on some medication that can help the symptoms of depression than you can finally see more clearly a way to start climbing out of it.

I hope you will consider checking out a psychiatrist and a therapist. It sounds like you're in a lot of pain, but you don't have to keep feeling that way if only you will get some help. It's a long hard road but well worth it in the end. I wish you peace.