I have been counting down the days to seeing my T and I see her tomorrow. But I feel like I will (again) have too much to say, too much to talk about. My T is very wise and I value what she has to say, but it is like trying to hold onto tiny grains of wisdom amid acres of sand.
I find it so frustrating being in a relationship right now. I just don't have the tools and everything seems to trigger me lately.
I sat down to write in my journal and I thought back to how well I could function when I was on my own. I had an apartment, it was clean, tidy, cute. I worked. I could deal with money without being triggered. Two weeks salary went to rent and I paid every other bill on time. All I asked for was someone to share it with. That I got. It has been wonderful. But then I stopped functioning.
My parter is understanding. She has put up with the depression I have had ever since we met. We have even been going to couples therapy (her idea). But I just wonder if it will ever feel OK. Ever feel natural to me to be around another person. I wonder if I will ever feel safe?? How many times in couples T do I totally shut down? I am really working on it but it's so hard. I have only ever been able to feel truly safe alone. This is the closest I have come to feeling safe with someone else. But even this leaves me suffering from the severe anxiety of these d** triggers. Maybe I haven't given medication enough thought.
I can't sleep at night in the same bed with my partner because I can't "shut off" with anyone else in the room. So I go sleep in the room that has no heat. Which bites. And makes my partner sad. Plus it has been nearly impossible to talk to my partner about money - makes me want to withdraw completely and just say, "forget it." I want to run away. Far away. But I also love the person I am with. So many contradictions.
I want to be in a relationship. But I don't know if I can. I seriously need to let go of past trauma. But I want it to happen now. I want it to happen already. Though it is deep down within my subconscious, it is really affecting my conscious life.