Thanks for you kindness. But i don't think i can ever go again n get help - it cause me too much pain before n after n it really isn't worth it. I'd rather try n cope. It's not worth it coz it sent me spirraling down, i've been in bed for hours now n have only just got up. I just had a song on repeat n was just staring into nothingness. My parents, were angry n concerned but i couldn't do anything to stop their discomfort. I need to be alone, to sort myself out. I don't even feel as if i have the right to write this here, but you guys are my last thread of sanity. I haven't eaten since 8 last night, n then i just forced it down coz i thought i should. I'm hungry but i can't be bothered to eat - it won't help. I know this sounds stupid n pathetic n completely over-reacting n up my self but i started hitting myself last night and i've been thinking about cutting myself. I've heard it around n it seems to help people cope. But i'm scared at the moment, i know these feelings are wrong but it might stop me feeling so useless as if i have nothing to do that will help me, it might be something i can control. I'm sorry, i shouldn't be telling you this, i'm over-reacting as usual but i feel as if i need to tell someone. My family thinks that i'm a moody person now because of this morning n afternoon, so now i have all that negative emotion to deal with beside my own. What's worse is that i have to go from feeling down (from one of the worst days i've ever had!) to pretending to be happy by tommorow coz it's Christmas Eve n i don't want to ruin everyones Christmas. If i had to carry that guilt around as well......
I have to go out in a minute, i don't want to but my friends are meeting up n as always i couldn't be bothered to explain how i'm feeling or make up an excuse not to go so i have to get myself up and "happy!!" again. I'm sorry i'm always moaning, i wish i wasn't, i wish i don't have this confusion, this lonliness, this bruden to carry around. Oh, there i go again, making it sound as if i'm the most hard done by person that exsists! How pathetic n self-absorbed am I!! Sorry to all you guys that are dealing with depression, n have to listen to me moan continuously about nothing. I'll cope somehow.