Something in my relationship has changed and I feel so let down and stressed. It is not a very outward or noticeable thing but I sense it very strongly. My partner is pulling away from me and as a response I am doing the same. I feel the utter need to protect myself and truly feel like running away.

Because of past trauma, I am unable to sleep in the same bed as my partner. I simply can NOT fall asleep and will remain awake staring at the ceiling until 4 am. It has been this way for three years (as long as we have been together). Over and over again I try, with different attempts at noise machines, earplugs or over the counter medicines or herbal remedies (I have sort of a fear of the pharmaceuticals). But nothing works. Over and over I believe the next thing is sure to help but over and over I have to get up at 2 am and retreat to the couch or somehwere else. Or do what I often do which is to shut myself into another bedroom for the night. For three years this has been very stressful for my parter who feels triggered into thinking I am leaving as a form of dislike or rejection. We have talked about it and on the surface she always says "it's OK." I suppose we just each have our triggers to deal with but I am always left feeling that it is my fault. If only I were normal and could fall asleep like a normal person.

And now I suspect my partner has had it. I have commented that we don't have any romantic time together anymore. I feel my partner moving away from me. At first I would say things like, "is it me? Is there anything I can do? Don't you miss having romantic evenings?" But my parnter has said this has felt like pressure. Now I don't want to say anything anymore. I just want to pull away. It is the only safe bet. I feel like I have ruined everything. I try to tell myself not to be so co-dependant, try to get on with my life and making new friends and working on myself. But at night like this I begin to feel lonely.

We are, I have to add, already in couples therapy. It is helping. But I don't know. I simply hope we make some connection again. I can't help but to keep beating myself up.