I wish i could turn off my brain, I wish i could turn off my feelings. To be numb again.
I can't stop these thoughts. I have had two panic attacks in two days, i haven't had them for a very long time. Its starting like the last time the hospitalized me....
I am so scared they are going to do that again if I start seeing someone again. I can't go back... the first time, a good experience, but at the same time has left me feeling broken and i feel like no one will really accept me. especially if it is brought up in a relationship... i feel like i am crazy and that it is something no one will ever accept.
my future does not feel bright... i am obsessing over it.... i am waiting for the end of the school year to quit my job, but then where do i go from there.... i am making myself so sick. i am supposed to start a college class on wednesday, i am excited about it, but i feel as if i will fail.

nothing is going right. i feel lost and alone. I was standing at work today doing my normal routine, showing my special needs kids... thinking to myself... it doesn't matter, i have nothing or noone in my life... i have been despereatly trying to find my place in this world... i don't think i ever will. it feels as if i am doomed to be alone, and depressed the rest of my life..

I wish i could just be numb...at least it is a way i can function.