I'm afraid my t's issues are affecting my therapy with her. Her mom died about 6 weeks ago, so i know she's going through a transition. I've tried to be understanding and have offered my condolences and asked how she's coping from time to time (she always says she's handling it fine, but i think she doesn't tell me if she's struggling since she's the t).

She's been taking some long absences. The first one was when her mom was sick and dying. After that, we had 2 sessions. Then she was out for a week (in town but not at work). When she got back, we had a session where she was uncharacteristically blunt and pushy with me. I felt like all of a sudden, she was pushing me to get better -- and for some reason, my gut told me that maybe her mom dying had got her thinking about her own life and she was pondering retirement again (she told me 1 year ago she was starting to think about retirement but had no plans). I wondered if this was true and was feeling bad that she might be pushing me really hard just so that i'd get well and she could retire.

I was also feeling bad because she made a comment a couple of weeks ago that hurt. She said, "I know you carry around the DBT book, you bring it when you come in here. But do you ever use any of the skills in it?" That made me feel like she didn't think i was making enough progress or really trying to get well. She doesn't usually talk like that, so between questioning my efforts, and pushing me so hard, i've really felt hurt -- not to mention anxious about the idea that termination could be on the horizon.

Last week, i told her how i felt. She admitted "there are some things going on in my personal life that might make me want to push harder." I knew she meant retirement, and i told her i thought she should retire when she wants to retire. I don't want her feeling like she can't retire when she wants to because i'm not better yet. She'll come to resent me, and i don't want to be an object of resentment. I told her i may not be ready/healed by the time she wants to go. She said that i was not the only reason that she hadn't retired yet, but i was one of the reasons. She said "there are a few places i'd like to get with you before i go."

I guess i feel bad because i don't want her staying on my account and resenting me -- but i also don't want her pushing me beyond my limits just because she wants me to be at some expected "place" in my healing. When she pushes me, it makes me feel like it's not for my benefit in healing, but so that she can retire and not have to feel bad about leaving me behind. She knows i have terrible abandonment issues, and I've always feared termination, so i'm sure she is concerned about how i'll do when she's gone. But it's not right for her to be pushing me so hard just because she wants to retire soon.

She just took another week off too, and with all her absences in the last 6 weeks, it has been hard for me to continue keeping that connected feeling with her. Especially after she questioned my efforts with the DBT skills. I dunno, i just feel like she's losing her commitment to working with me. We've worked together 10+ years, but i feel like it's coming to an end soon, and i'm feeling really bad. She said she has no specific plans still, but i just seem to be picking up on some frustration on her part, and like she's ready to throw in the towel now and i'm standing in her way.