I don't know - maybe should put a trigger warning here*****am mentioning things that could trigger, SI*****

Anyway, so about 3 weeks ago, something my husband said/did triggered me, majorly.....it wasn't that what he did was actually so bad, but somehow it took me back to my childhood again, and made some things rise to the surface in a very big way....with the feeling that I had been bad and should punish myself, hence the SI compulsions becoming very powerful again (when I sure thought I had conquered them ). It led to the insight that this stuff was coming from my childhood, from things my dad (and mom, but mostly my dad here) had said/done, things that led to the belt coming out.....having the insight into where the feelings were coming from was great, yes, but didn't take away the compulsions, the feelings, the hurt of old wounds re-opened in a very big way....
Hence, my T has definitely been in crisis management mode (I'm putting it that way anyway since I'm not thinking of a better way to put it...) to make sure I'm safe (and I do appreciate her directness, firmness, care). She's discussed all sorts of options with me.....practical stuff. All good, yes. But somehow, yesterday, once again sitting there having to talk about medication/hospitalization, etc, without getting so much into the deeper reasons why this SI/these compulsions are there....well, it was frustrating to feel like therapy has been in a holding pattern, like we're sitting in this rut spinning our wheels and not getting out of the rut. I know the immediate situation has to be dealt with, but my thing is, I want to get the wounds/the patterns that led to the SI trouble to get processed so it's not still sitting there in my mind/heart, hurting!
The thing sort of in my mind right now though is......is this SI/depression all related to the childhood wounds, and processing those will free me of both the SI and compulsion and the depression/emotional intensity stuff? Or do I have to face also what might be a fact that I have a 'chemical tendency' if you will in my mind also.....and have to accept that some of the depression, the deep emotional intensity/volatility I feel is sort of an intrinsic part of me? A great part of me just wants to be able to make the choice to throw off the chains, without medication........but is it really more than I can do, if it's really a sort of a chemical imbalance out of my control? grrr....how do I figure that out?! Hence, the feeling right now like I am in a holding pattern, at an impasse.....whatever...not sure what to think, do, where to go.... I wouldn't blame my T if she is feeling a bit the same way with the place our therapy is right now....
Sorry....I rambled; I seem to do that sometimes! Thanks for listening and for any wisdom offered!