I'm terribly sorry these things happened to you, kim. Certainly you should have been able to see your mom, and be able to go to her funeral. I didn't go to my dad's funeral because of OCD, and don't plan on attending my mom's for the same reason, but someone once told me something they did that might be of help to you as well: When this person's mother died, she couldn't attend the funeral, either. So, instead, she went to the beach, and had a private thing, just to say goodbye. I think she lit a candle, too. The important thing is, while funerals are ways for us to say goodbye, just because you weren't there, doesn't mean you can' t have closure. You can talk to your mom anytime you want. I don't know your beliefs, and I'm not even sure about mine, but if there's an afterlife, I believe that your mom can hear you, and knows your heart. And it doesn't matter where you say goodbye, because our loved ones are always with us in our hearts, wherever we go.