Different lives, different circumstances, yet I can so thoroughly identify with what you've written here, So It Goes. The people in my life to whom I've related my fears and difficulties, even in times of intense crisis, have always expected me to rely on this outer perception of strength they have of me, much to my consternation and detriment. The few times I've been "permitted" to come apart or be vulnerable have been met with astonishment and disgust. I learned my outer strength routine throughout a difficult childhood and adolescence too, and though it has served me well in some situations, I've found in many ways it is not true strength.

Your entropic metaphor for life could not be more apt for my own.

I was really fortunate for a spell in my life to have had a boyfriend to whom I could turn, even with the greatest chaos and unresolved life events, and he would listen. In fact, he was one of the most patient listeners I've ever had the privilege to have known. He had had a rough childhood also, and his capacity for empathy and understanding was exponential, even unexpected in some ways. He loved being a "regular guy" in how he presented himself, following his favorite teams and drinking with his buddies. They all loved him for his friendliness, generosity, and sense of humor, but none of them would have guessed how sensitive and emotional he was. That's where I got to be the lucky one, I suppose. Point is, I know how critical it is to have someone truly listen and not be scared off. I've only had one friend since who has remotely been able to fill that role.

I'm sorry I can't offer you much else other than identification at this stage, as I'm struggling with some of the same quandaries that are plaguing you at present. However, please allow me to say it's NOT your fault. I catch myself asking the same question, almost daily. Believe me, it gets you nowhere.

All the best to you, So It Goes. I hope I can be of more help in the near future.