I always try my hardest. I learn how to play new songs on drums and guitar. I'm the best drummer in my school. I have great test scores and I'm improving as an artist. I don't see how all this is affecting me. I think I should feel some amount of accomplishment, I mean-- In the darkest time in my life (diagnosed as severe depression) I got out of it.
Without the help from my parents, friends or drugs. I should feel stronger because of that, but I really don't. I'm not proud of my music or my art or my schoolwork. I see that as a person I have changed beyond my wildest dreams, but everyone stays the same. Personality-wise, I would have gotten out of this town and done something spectacular. Reality-wise, I can't even get a job because I'm a minor.
My parents and teachers who think they can play me as a puppet and hold me down- shape me into something I'm not aren't going to get anywhere. And here is where I promise myself I'll get out and do something. I'd rather starve than hold a desk-job. I know all this is un-realistic but the question is even if I do accomplish my wildest dreams If I'll be happy.
I'm not sure- I'm one of those /work-yourself-till-4AM-and-your-entire-body-is-aching-and-you-feel-like-you've-downed-some-kinda-bad-drug/ people and yet I'm never happy with myself.
Have any of you felt this way?
When I was 8, this right here was my dream. To be an 'older' kid and playing music and having friends. I can see now that I need to try to be easier on myself, but I just don't know how.