Sunrise,
Your parent visitations sound kind of tough and probably bring a mixed of responses-sometimes good sometimes not so good. But it sounds like your in a place at the moment to handle them as they come. In what you wrote I sensed forgiveness and compassion even though you still don't quite fully "get" why things were the way they were. Since both my parents are gone there have been several times during therapy were I felt the needed to go back in time and understand things from their perspective or to ask questions and get validation or just more information to fill in some large gaps, but can't. IDK, I'm glad you're taking the time and enduring the challenges of going back with an open heart.

I totally agree with you Sunrise about the idea that inside we do know what we need to heal. I think a lot of times our unconscious mind or may it is our higher power is working in the background to help us create situations in which we get what we need to heal. For me an example of this came one morning when I saw a man from a distance who was suffering. I had compassion for him and even spoke up to defend how he was treated by others only later to be informed that he was an alcoholic who was kind of a regular nuisance to the community. The thing was for me in that moment when I saw him, I didn't care what his prior issues were, he simply needed help. What I realized in that moment was-"I actually had compassion for a drunk man!" My father was a drunk and that was something that I was never able to give him during his lifetime. But I can do it now, so there is a sense of healing there for me.