Even though I did have a great session this week, (YAY!) sometimes I wonder if therapy is a bunch of crock. Nonsense. Do you ever wonder if you are just talking yourself into thinking that your life is going to be different one day? Is therapy really going to help me change my thinking, let go of my past, and begin to see a brighter future?

Do therapists really see us in a different light? Or are they looking at us like we are pathetic whiners who are are clinging to them for lack of having any other person in our lives to make us 'feel' anything?

I am thinking of doing something really different at my next session. Not sure she will go along with it. I would like to ask HER some questions. I would like to know how SHE feels about some things. I want to see that emotional side of HER. I am not going to attack her with outrageous questions, but I want to know: Are you happy with your life? Have you ever done something that you regret, something that has changed your life? Do you ever get sad and cry? What makes you sad? What makes you happy? What makes you get up out of bed everyday? Where do you see yourself in ten years?

She is open with me about sharing things, so I think she will go along with this for the most part. My purpose is to see her as a person and not just my therapist. I still struggle with our relationship. In order for me to move forward like I want/need to, I need to establish a little more trust with her. I need to feel a little more connected and safe with her. I don't like to use the word 'intimacy', but we do somewhat share that with our therapist, don't we? Yes, I know there is that line that we don't cross, but I feel like I need to creep up a little closer to that line before I really let go of ALL of my emotional baggage.

My therapist told me last time that I am right on the 'edge'. I have come to the point that I am teetering on a decision. Am I going to 'go for it' in therapy and let go of everything that has me bound? Or am I going to look at what lies ahead, the work I must do, the hurts and pains that I will have to face, and decide to stop and run away?

I have to find some creative way for me to keep grounded and focused on moving forward. In my next session, I have got to kick it up a notch. Do something different. That's just my personality. I cannot stand for things to get stagant.

I guess I have about 8 days to come up with a plan. Not sure if I will forewarn her of what I am doing. I like to surprise people and catch them offguard!