I talked to the place that gave me two job offers. They were able to change the hours to 11a-7:30p M-F and e/o Saturday. I am now expected to start that job on *DECEMBER 19th*!! (That's the day after my birthday, by the way.) Anyway, I am scared. Natural, yes, but this will be my 4th job this year. The first was temp-to-perm that ended after the contracted 4 weeks. This new job is at the *same place* as that temp job doing pretty much similar stuff but in a different department. This company has VERY HIGH productivity expectations. How am I going to handle this? Last time I was under so much stress having PTSD symptoms from being stalked. I am scared how long this job will last, how well will I work and will I meet their expectations? I had already contacted the vocational rehab office and my new caseworker called me today. I didn't expect the job to want me to start before the new year--I am very surprised. The caseworker and I were supposed to first meet on Dec. 29, and she said that she wanted to talk to my new pdoc then to find out if I even should be working or could it be too stressful. I think admitting the reason I lost this last job made her want to talk to the pdoc even more on whether or not I should work. The Adderall he prescribed seems to have totally fixed that. I have no urges to cut anymore. I told her, and though it was good, it didn't matter. I am still trying to figure out the dosage on the Adderall. It's hard to *really* test the drugs effects on me when I am not working at a job. I don't know. Maybe I am just feeling stressed about money and its making lazy now. I started out being more productive on it, so why would the higher doses make me go back to my "old" ways? When I first started it, I was working. How am I going to know what my right dosage is if I don't have a job? How do I know if I will do okay at a job mentally and physically until I actually am working? And then what if I get too stressed? I will look at friends, family, anyone, and feel like a failure because I couldn't handle it all. That's negative, yes, but I *HATE* when people say things about it. My ex-husband and his new wife (another B*)is alot like that, constantly degrading and insulting me. I've had enough. I haven't even told my ex yet that I lost my job a few weeks ago. I am afraid to. I don't want to put up with more of his BS then I already have to.

I left a message for my new ORS caseworker about the job and wanting me to start next week. I don't know what is going to happen now.

A small part of me is excited about the prospect of having good paychecks again. And my own cubicle to decorate! The rest is frightened. As if I hadn't already said that.