>>it cause me too much pain before n after n it really isn't worth it.

Abby I am so sorry you had a bad experience. Of course the visit "wasn't worth it" because it didn't help and made you feel worse. But that was because of the doctor, not because of you. You have to have some hope that with the right doctor, it will be worth it. I think it would be worth it if you could be happier at some point. Finding the right doctor may be the only way to get there. Coping with it yourself might get you through without it ever getting better. But it can be better and you have to hope for that and work toward that.

>>i started hitting myself last night and i've been thinking about cutting myself.

There are lots of coping skills. Some people use relaxation tecniques, or find hobbies like gardening. Some people cut themselves or drink alcohol. I think it is clear that while there are many forms of coping skills, not all of them are healthy coping skills. Some can help you get through the bad periods. Some make you feel better for awhile, but you end up much worse off in the long run. If you find the right doctor, one of the things they can do is work with you to find coping skills that are EFFECTIVE for you but that are not DESTRUCTIVE. If you can hold some hope that that is possible, then I hope you think it would be worth it to find some things that can make you feel better without hurting yourself.

The key there is that I said "if you can hold hope" and that is the hardest part of depression. I can't emphasize enough what SeptMorn said... the depression lies to you, makes you feel worthless, makes you feel hopeless. These things are not true, they are symptoms of the illness of depression! If you can try to remember that and trust us in that, then please keep trying to get help even if right now you feel it is hopeless.

Please try to find another doctor. There are idiots in all areas of life, and doctors are just people. This one was either an idiot or at the least not properly trained. Please try again and keep trying until you find someone who can help. It may be painful for awhile but the reward of a happier future will be worth it. I agree with writing it out, find someone who will accept that it is difficult for you to talk and will read. It is important to establish a trust with the doctor and a good doctor will understand that and work to gain your trust so that they can help you. They won't "dismiss" you. Maybe you can talk to someone and get a recommendation. Try your local hospital and see if someone there can recommed someone they think is good.

There are some tips concerning finding a therapist at http://www.idexter.com