I'm pretty sure I won't do this,don't WANT to do this because of the impact it would have on my kids.But honestly ,I keep a smile on my face all day every day and I just need to say somewhere,to whoever is out there bothering to read another moaning thread that I find life to be a ridiculous fkng joke.I want to die.I can think of a million different ways to accomplish the feat.I find myself repulsive for every major/minor deficit which stands before my face mocking me all day,every day. My life has been an absolute waste of space ,consumption of food ,air,whatever.In the end...my life has served no purpose.I'm a failure as a mother,daughter,friend,part of my community,and just,it gets so heavy on my chest to think of all I have done wrong.I intellectually am aware no one is perfect,we all fail,have defecits,yada....I preach it all day.I mean it when I'm telling it.But I can't own it. I look in the mirror...review my life,this hour,day,week,year,....and every fkng mistake I ever made ...person I hurt,moral defecit I possess....all of it is just like an audience shouting how bad I have fkd up.My mum is dead.I will never have the opportunity to relive whatever I could have done better to or for her .She fkd up I know,but she needed forgiveness more than what I delivered.My kids are grown.I can't redo their mom experience.I am a fkn nothing and a nobody.I want to shout it.I can imagine every single possible reply.From well...do something about it....to...aww everyone fkd up in life....or yeh...u did fk up and I dont like u either lol....whatever...At the end of the day ...I know...my boys were entrusted to my hands.My mum was the only mum I will ever have had.My husband...I have been married to since 1989....I didnt deserve him either.For whatever he did wrong ,he also did right.I have been different since I was as little as I can recall.I remember being four and wanting to only be near old people.I didn't 'get' children.Though I alaways wanted to be a mom and love animals lol.Between my mistakes with boys and developing feelings outside my marriage,and the fkng web of madness surrounding me,ie,husband hurting dogs,son in prison with a mental disease I can't fix with any amount of love....I could so easily end this whole thing.I must say it is terrifyingly tempting,because I can't see this transforming for all the self help I attempt,all the research I do to find wellness,stability..I cant erase the past.Can't take back one cross eyed sideways fkng glance.So far I've not been able to transform significantly.IDK.I really have to ask myself if in the end it'll do more harm to remain earthbound or to leave in a blaze of glory.I really am honestly exhausted jumping hurdles,dodging the next collision,trying to grip another hour hiding under my blanket,pissed as hell to come awake ....AGAIN.ANOTHER FKNG DAY wasteing fkn air.Sucking up peoples peace with my grief.I am sure it'll be as usual in the morning.I will shower,put my fake arse makeup,crank my music,and start scrubbing the house trying to wash my bs away.But for this one moment,this breath,the time it takes to create this thread,I am letting go...there is the thing lingering in the back of my mind,whispering in my ear...do it....c'mon do it...you know how...it won't hurt...won't last long...get it over...what are you here for treesa?You fk'd up your kids,marriage,you're a borderline 43 year old waste of fkng resources.IDk what people think in their judgement of me.Really don't give half a whip,I am a human like all of you.Just being real.This ...for me ...atm...this is real,its my reality in the moment of space I stand in.It hurts.I am tired and want to retire to nothingness.Yup I know I am not the only one.That tomorrow I'll wake up,do chores,errands,cook,smile,support,garden,exercise,make calls....but it will never,doesnt ever....go away.I am a bitter,angry broken soul,this part of me.Mad to be alive.And I firmly hope...pray,that I don't ...in a fit of passion...bring this all to a final draw.Cause I am riding a razors edge and fully tempted,very capable ,no fear of any part of death other than leaving my sons to fend for themself.Just needed to release that.Sorry if I offend.