Hi,

I'm having a hard time figuring out what I'm feeling...

So heres my story:

I joined a theatre group and was very specific about what I wanted out of it when I spoke to the person who leads it. I spoke to two leaders and told them I'd only be able to do it for 3-4 months, would it be possible to get stage exposure in that much time? and they assured me, they'd put me on the stage right away...

Well its been 2 months, in between I took a break for 2 weeks I was sick but I haven't gotten ANYWHERE with this group, forget about getting onto stage.

All we do is sit in a group and read the script from 4 pm to 9 pm. We do some voice exercises and physical exercise and then we sit and read the script by one line in a group of 20 people... who are all beginners. I'm somewhat intermediate, I want to get some experience.

This is what makes me angry:
The leader promised me something he's failing to deliver.
The group is extremely cult-ish. The first few days i felt something wasnt right, I started researching cults online and I found out they meet 9 out of 10 characteristics of a cult: you're supposed to follow the leader "blindly", never betray the "guru", don't sit on the "guru's" chair.. btw this is a group in INDIA.

There's no planning. They decide to do a street play or a play like 3 days before and are like, OK everyone has to be here, even if you're not in the play..

This time, they put me in the chorus AGAIN and I told him I had some work that day so i can't make it.
The night before, during rehearsal, I get a text "URGENT, where are you? show tomorrow..."
And i told him, I can't make it i've got some urgent work to attend.
and he says "BUT its a show, OUR FIRST PRIORITY".

Okay yes it would be if I were actually in the play and actually doing what I had asked would be possible to do if i join. But that's not the case. I feel deceived and cheated.

I didn't respond. I got 8 more texts from other people in the group and from the leader as well that night and the following morning. I didn't bother responding because my therapist told me you dont have to tell others more than once what you want or will be doing... you shouldn't have to explain over and over again.

So then I just wrote back to him the next morning saying that my goals are more important and i'd like to have membership fees back but you may keep your monthly rent if possible.. and i didn't receive a response. frankly i dont care if i do get a response or not.

But what I don't understand is WHY AM I FEELING anxious and sad??
I do miss some of the people there.. but then I'm not getting what i came for...

What am i feeling? i'm getting this confused guilty/anxious feelings and many others.. having trouble figuring it out???