a little bit ago, i really started to delve into unchartered territory with my T. it was really hard stuff, and i tended to get rather emotional during our sessions. at one point, my T said something about (and you'll have to excuse me, my memory tends to not be the best when i am very emotional/dissociating.) saying what i need from her, in ways she could help or make me feel better, and one of the things she said was "if you need me to come over and hold you, i'll hold you."

then we took a break from the work for a bit.

now we're delving back into it again, the first time was yesterday, and i know there is more i need to work through. and after revealing some new things and feeling ashamed about them, i became very upset, seemed i couldn't stop crying. and i wanted my therapist to at least come sit with me on that couch so much. i even would have taken her up on that holding offer. i just felt it would have been therapeutic at the time, considering the issues and everything.

i know some therapists don't want to blur boundaries and whatnot, but i doubt she would have said something like that previously if she wasn't comfortable with it. i've known her a long time. but it is in my nature to doubt. doubt that she really did mean it, doubt that she really would be comfortable doing such a thing if i were to be in the same state of mind again, doubt that i could ever be brave enough to ask, doubt that she won't get offended and quit me, even after all these years.

i just feel really mixed up right now, in general i guess. any feedback of any kind would be appreciated.