Please feel free to distribute the url. Anyone who might find it helpful is welcome.

>>oh wow Dexter -- that was big! I'm going to have to wrap my head around that one.

for a long period of time i stopped calling people (part of the isolation of depression) and even would be very evasive when they did call. I know i really gave the impression as if i didn't want anyone to call. then i sat back angry at everyone for not calling. IOW setting up a "test" that I knew they would fail and then being angry that they did fail. Sort of my own bizarro universe version of the "Kobiyashi Maru" . In my case in large part this was intentional because i wanted to "insulate" people from what I "knew" was my ultimate plan. I have been planning and preparing for several years. It was the night that things got so bad that I was ready to go through with it that i surprized myself by calling a hotline and checking into the hospital instead.

One thing that bothers me now is that I knew that i was doing that and i knew it was unhealthy, and one of the main changes i made when i went into the hospital was to "come clean" and admit that to everyone, let them know what was really going on, and make an effort to keep in touch after i got out of the hospital. i was really good with that, i called friends regularly (didn't wait for them to call) and tried to be honest. i also had a lot of people to call so i didn't feel i was "overburdening" anyone and it was ok if they couldn't talk or didn't feel like talking, i always had someone else to call. they all were very appreciative that i told them what was going on. they all wanted to help and to stay in touch. i felt good about embarking on this fight against depression, rather than going through with my original plan, because i felt i had a lot of understanding and some support. for the most part that seems to have completely vanished. people don't return my calls or my emails. i have no problem with people who don't have time to visit (whether they really don't have time or whether they are uncomfortable visiting) but on several occasions they have promised to come and then didn't show up. i just don't understand that. in the past i have ALWAYS gone out of my way to be there for friends, i've missed work, didn't finish school because of this, but i did it because it was a choice about the kind of person i wanted to be. i never expected anything in return but i did always think that i would have support when i needed it. and now i do. and apparently i misjudged the way the world works. karma-free. or else i have bad karma and i;ve been lying to myself and this really is the bed i've made for myself.

i watched "wonderful life" the other day and its always been one of my fav movies but now the end is so painful because i don't seem to have resources like that. not that people should be swarming here to give me money or even getting together in a big display of affection. my friends are all good people but their priorities are all with their own families and in their own lives. as much as people tell me that they appreciate the sacrifices of time, money and emotion that i've made there is no one who has the resources to share any of that with me. i'm loved by everyone but not "special" to anyone even to the extent that they can share a little with me, even if i don't have someone in my life who can give me a lartge share of their attention.

at some point here i started babbling again. i've been out fo bed for awhile probably should go eat and tak emy meds.

thanks again everyone. maybe soon i'll share some of my interestnng "war stories" about some of the people who ahve been in my life.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
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