Welcome to p.c Dennis,
I understand the feelings you possess toward your father.I lost my mum around april.She reeeeeeely ummm,she really failed me in so many flavors.She,responded in a very accusatory fashion to me in 2001,when I began to gain memories of my childhood after an overdose that left me brain damaged to the point that it was suggested to my husband,we think you need to have her cared for in a nursing home.I was on a respirator for a bit of time following the overdose.
Anyways,The odd thing about regaining memories was that these memories began with being a child.In fact I did not recognize my 3 sons.I said"OMG these are mine?They are soooo beautiful."(Just to tell you the degree to which I was damaged.)
We really,at some point butted heads,because ...I had always been in the frame of mind that she was my mum and though I did discuss my childhood pain with others throughout my life,I never did with her.She was in essence the only family I had outside my marriage.
Alot of things arose in conversation about the pain and damage her role played in creating defecits in my youth,and subsequently in my role as a parent.I told her these feelings in the gentlest way I possibly could.The conversations were frequent if breif in general.She replied with a giant,"You're a spoiled ,selfish bit h" "I did the best I could,I was a good mum,I was damaged as a kid....blah blah"I held/hold a double edged sword for her.As I said She died in april.
She spent every day all day in a bar since I was 12....and partied with friends leaving me with who the fk ever all prior to that.The two sides of my feelings were....I hated her for the things she fk'd up in my life in the time frame that I was a child in need of a caretaker.I loved her because of the happier moments when we'd silently hold hands or be able to just have her near.
When she began to die,I went to her home,and was an in home caretaker for her,and prior to that juncture I stayed at her house often because her husband had just died and she was driving under the influence of wine,alcohol,pills whatever she laid her hands on.The "friends" at the bar would ring me saying...get up here your mom is drunk driving all the time,falling down.She'd have a black eye, a damaged car, a broken hip,lose her bladder ...the list is as long as my arm.
Noone understood why I was angry,disconnected,detached,(though I treated her with deep gentility,tender love and care,for she was frail)...My words didn't coincide with my actions.(I mean my words to others when the subject of her popped up).
You say ..."It was at that point,I realized that I was born to beat myself up at the slightest mistake/failure.....even turned submissive if I didn't want to hinder others."...the word "doormat" was brought up,"Unsure who I am ,what I believe in"....finding that you "can't find joy or excitement in anything".
I believe that it is possible that the "friends" you knew before have both 1)simply changed since before you left 2) some remained where they were in some areas (mindset) whereas you have grown.I think maybe these friends don't "fit" any longer to a degree.
It also sounds like your family dynamics were dysfunctional....as perhaps most peoples were....(We don't notice til we've separated from the family lair,and then return.Childs mind transforms to individualistic adult mind...and poof the lights are shining on the deficits within the family).
My sons experience.....(I have 3 sons ages 25,20,19)(speaking with regard to your family dynamics between how your mum and dad were with you).... are 100% spot on the same.My husband was like your dad...as far as being confused as to why they want nothing to do with spending time with him.And them being close to me.(those are the similarities.)They come to me now as they did then with every thing.We are very good friends.
Back to the doormat feeling,the lack of joy,self judgement....It all goes back to #1...there maybe an actual chemical imbalance (you must see a psychiatric doc. for assessment obviously) and #2 Please consider googling Cognitive behavior therapy and/or dialectical behavior therapy.See if finding out what those are feels like it resonates with you.As far as the smoking pot...I think it should be legalized if alcohol is.BUT...it does impact chemical balance in the brain....and I am unschooled as to the implications/side effects of usage so I can't address that.But google that too lol.As far as the job/ school thing.That will all fall into place in it's proper timing.Trust me on that.Pursue those goals and you will get things 'lined up'.Sorry for all the words.Some how your post felt like something I relate to.~WO.olf~