I just saw my therapist on Monday. I promised myself that I would NOT send her any emails this week. Well, I broke that promise. Things just got to be too much for me, and I sent her a long email today.

I was pleasantly surprised that she emailed me back within just a few hours. I always tell her how bad I feel when I send her emails like that. I beat myself up a lot about it. This was part of her reply: "You are not driving me crazy, stepping over boundaries, or bothering me, or whatever you may tell yourself."

So why do I feel like a titty baby for sending her such emotional emails? I mean, she is telling me that it is okay. I told her that I needed to see her earlier than our next scheduled appoinment. I was trying to go every 10 days, instead of every two weeks. Well, I don't think I can wait 10 days this time! She was very open to schedule me for an earlier appointment.

What I need help from you guys is this. She gave me some questions to ponder and journal about: "Why do I not like myself? Where does the self-loathing come from? Why do I not feel I deserve forgiveness?'

Since I had some SI issues last week, I am sure that is where part of these questions come from. She keeps telling me that I need to forgive myself. But I don't know what I need to forgive myself for! She says that I am too hard on myself. I blame myself for everything that has gone wrong in my life.

She asked, "Why can't you look at yourself in the mirror with out crying? There is a reason behind those tears."

I am sure that many of you have gone through these same issues and emotions. I am totally blank as to how to journal about these topics. I don't know why I don't like myself, or why I fall into self loathing. I sure don't know what it is that I need to forgive myself for.

Is anyone out there who can help me get some direction on this?