thanks you guys... I wish, so wish, that I did have someone to talk to about this, but I don't..... I don't have a therapist and I really can't tell my fam. or friends... I know they would be really worried but I mean in the bigger picture I guess things are okay... I don't want to have to worry about them worrying, you know? I know why I've been having a hard time, I'm sort of in the middle of figuring out whether I should go into therapy for ed issues... among other things. I'm just so mad that I seem to always end up doing this.... I know I can stop, I have in the past but then I wanted to stop. I made an active effort. With everything going on it just seems like one more thing to deal with, one more thing I don't have the energy to think about.... as much as it seems wrong, it seems right.

over the years I've read enough stuff etc. to be familiar w/ ideas for coping mechanisms, but I guess it really is a matter of using them consistently and making an active effort to do so. which I haven't lately. I just stopped caring.

how do I get myself to care enough to do something about this or things in general? I told one counsellor once, his reaction was alertness, and he pretty much didn't leave me a chance but to agree that I cut once or twice the most in a year..... the way he set up the question. I know I could have corrected him but then the other extreme was all the time, which also isn't true... he just made me feel so "wrong" so "bad" in a way.... I hated that feeling. as much as I know si isn't a good way to cope, it's not only si that scares me but more my indifference. how do I get over that? any ideas?