I'll be talking to her via phone for the last time before I leave the country. I just had such a TERRIBLE time last semester, I couldn't deal with it anymore and I had to take a break. But I don't really feel like I can take a break from things because being at home and away from T has made me realize some things that I didn't want to admit to myself before. I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel so guilty and I really want to get it off of my chest with T, but somehow I just feel like doing it in a 30 minute phone call, which will be the last phone call in 6 months is a bad idea and will just lead to more unresolved issues. On the other hand, I want to be able to make a fresh start, and I can't tell how much of this is really true and how much of it is just me trying to minimize what happened.

Something that I wrote in my journal, this is what I'm not sure about sharing with T...

Part of me wonders if that is part of what upsets me about ----: I hurt and I don't know why so I just blame what happened. Its easier to have someone to blame than to have to feel terrible for no reason. I'm angry at myself because I feel like it was a lie. Everything really did happen, but I feel like I blew it out of proportion so that I would have something to blame for how I felt, and after I did that then it genuinely started to bother me. It is a problem because I made it a problem. Everything I do is a lie. I think I"ve thought about every low point in my life tonight, because I've also been feeling guilty about the panic attacks. The first one was real. But then I had a few panic attacks after that when I was really drunk that weren't really real. I made myself hyperventilate. I just felt like **** and I NEEDED somebody to help, but every time I asked for help I ran into a dead end. And it worked because my RA did help me and I did get to go to therapy. But another big part of it was that I told her about what happened, otherwise she wouldn't have made the appointment for me. God, what kind of person am I? I know what kind of person I am. I am a horrible person because I just lied and used it for attention. I NEED T.