My heart goes out to you. It is very hard when the internal hate is there. Esp when we don't know where it came from anyway! The SI can for certain happen due to that internal hatred. (((uggg)))

What I am still doing around all this - something which may help you out- is to have a special journal or place in your journal to write down what is in your mind when the urges are there. After a while, you will start to see patterns. For example, my facial SI comes from very early childhood and being called by my brother and other boys my age "Ugly duckling" ... but also others saying small things like that as I was growing older - things to reinforce that. I didn't even realize those comments were at the root of the SI in that area until after I started just jotting down the emotion and random words when the urge was there! I was SHOCKED to see the pattern and then realize what it was because I felt that I had a very good sense of self and was stable about my looks. All of that only came up when I was triggered. Strangely, the trigger could be someone saying "You really look nice today!" My mind would say "Today!! Oh well see! I am an ugly duck the rest of the time!!!!" That would lead to the downward spiral and the SI.

Also on that list, write what happened that day that you remember - just notes. You may not see the trigger until after you are safe again. But by jotting it down, you can later look back and see those things. Trust me on this one, it may make no sense at all when you first start keeping these kind of records. But it will help you understand yourself much better. Most of the self hate comes from some very deeply wounded places. Good news is, once we can see those soul splinters, we CAN have T help us remove them!!