I'm new here so maybe someone else has already written about a problem similar to mine?

I've been trying to analyze why I constantly worry that I will lose the people I love. I regularly call my family just to check if they are still alive. I don't tell them that, I pretend to just call to chat - but I actually can't wait for the morning to come when I can finally make a call at some decent time and make sure everything is ok. Every goodbye, even when my husband goes to work in the morning I think it may be the last time I see him... What to speek of going away on a longer trip. And so on.
After some digging I 've found that the reason why I'd lose them is that I DESERVE to lose them because i deserve to be PUNISHED. And this is where it becomes silly: I do believe all human beings deserve love, and God (or whatever you call him) is not a cosmic punisher, and I have never actually DONE anything that would objectively make me hate or blame myself. But I do. So the fear is only a side effect, selfhate is the problem. But I can't figure where is comes from or why. Like everyone is worthy only me not. My intelligence tells me this doesn't make sense, I'm not that special after all. But there's this disgust I can't get rid of.
Anyone with a similar problem or an idea please??