Holly,

I feel for you. I am struggling at the moment as well. Never have I been the type of person to give direct access to me as every time I have I have been hurt. I broke my wall down and gave myself to my ex fiance. We had a good thing, but a week before christmas she cheated on me. She was the first person that I let get close to me, and I thought that was forever.

I am still in shock, as she took a stance on cheating as un repairable. I did not so much as think of another woman from the time we got together. Yet she wants me to take her back as I was "the best thing that ever happened" to her. She does not see her action as cheating because she was "coerced" into sex by her "good" friend. She even has gone as far as claiming that the guy date raped her. However she has told several stories to several people, and even her mom and best friend (female) told me that she is lying about the "rape". She has apparently done this in the past with her last boyfriend as well.

I am now alone (as I choose to not take her back). I feel like I am a jerk becasue I do not believe her alligation of rape (the facts and her actions are what raised the doubt). She tells me that none of this is my fault.

This last month has been difficult to say the least. I am conflicted at every level and to be honest I lost myself, and am trying to get back. Getting back to myself also brings back alot of pain, and issues that I thought i was finally past.

Sorry for the rant... just know that you are not alone.