I would go see a counselor/therapist and explore where you got the idea that you deserve to lose your loved ones from. I think usually someone "told" or implied that to us when we were very young; maybe your mother or father believed it and you learned it from them or maybe someone lost someone or something and you thought, "they deserved that loss" and are now punishing yourself for that "horrible" thought.

When I have a thought I know is wrong, I just do the opposite and operate as I would want to if I didn't have the thought. Sometimes the thought lessens because I'm not paying attention to it and other times I decide it doesn't really influence my life much so I just go "along" with it (kind of like you have) and, over time, start making fun of it. Carry the thought to logical extremes and see where it takes you; what would you "do" if you lost your husband (I'm afraid I would have trouble understanding our complicated finances so I work now to understand them better/work out a plan on how I would go about working with them that would be okay for me)? "Play" with your fears and see if you can come up with routines for yourself that lessens their impact.