Some of you know that two days ago I had a very vivid & upsetting dream which was quite literally about therapy and my T. There were many, and very obvious, indications of disconnect, abandonment fear, and mistrust.

I am so afraid to tell T about this dream. My own reading of it is that even after 3 yrs I still have huge trust issues about therapy. My fear is that it will come across as a BIG vote of no-confidence in her, which will adversely affect - or even derail - the work. My T is very well adjusted, and very experienced, but she has put 3 yrs of work into my case; everyone is vulnerable to frustration and discouragement, and I'm scared of that.

Our last hour was almost entirely about the long gaps that keep coming between sessions (something always seems to get in the way), how hard that is, and how it makes me go into just-slug-it-out-yourself mode, and I think about quitting. T said, people might take a break, or even quit, when they get to a happy place - when the pain isn't affecting them very much any more. Is that where you are? And we both know it's not.

Before this week, if you'd asked me how it's going, I would have said pretty well. I know there is a ways to go yet but I felt I do have a reasonable trust in T and I am feeling some positive changes. For 3 yrs I have really tried hard to do this work, even when it was so painful, even when I didn't understand where it was going. But this dream came from inside me, it's not something I made up, nor can I say, I didn't mean it; somewhere inside it seems that I do mean it. And to me that says, you have failed at therapy, you may as well give it up.

If the weather forecast holds, I won't see T again untl Feb 2 (another 4 week gap). What am I going to do.