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greywolf2 · Jan 20, 2011, 03:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sycorax

I'm new here so maybe someone else has already written about a problem similar to mine?

I've been trying to analyze why I constantly worry that I will lose the people I love. I regularly call my family just to check if they are still alive. I don't tell them that, I pretend to just call to chat - but I actually can't wait for the morning to come when I can finally make a call at some decent time and make sure everything is ok. Every goodbye, even when my husband goes to work in the morning I think it may be the last time I see him... What to speek of going away on a longer trip. And so on.
After some digging I 've found that the reason why I'd lose them is that I DESERVE to lose them because i deserve to be PUNISHED. And this is where it becomes silly: I do believe all human beings deserve love, and God (or whatever you call him) is not a cosmic punisher, and I have never actually DONE anything that would objectively make me hate or blame myself. But I do. So the fear is only a side effect, selfhate is the problem. But I can't figure where is comes from or why. Like everyone is worthy only me not. My intelligence tells me this doesn't make sense, I'm not that special after all. But there's this disgust I can't get rid of.
Anyone with a similar problem or an idea please??

When i read this I thought wow it sounds very similar to what I'm going through. I don't like myself very much and feel that if someone is nice to me it is not normal. When I saw my therapist this week I told her that when I met my husband I expected him to be mean to me but he wasn't he was nice. I felt I didn't deserve it and wanted him to treat me meanly. I would sometimes go out of my way to try to get him to be mean to me because I felt that is what I deserved. My therapist told me I am aware of it now because I wasn't aware of it then that it is progress.
Maybe know that you are aware of it you can work on changing your way of thinking which I know is difficult but I think the more we are aware the more we can practice a different way of thinking.
I am deathly afraid of losing my loved ones and when my husband goes to work i feel so lonely because what if he doesn't come home. So i try to keep myself occupied or call a friend and sometimes go to my support groups which seem to help. It doesn't always but I try anyhow and thats how I am trying to cope right now. Hope this helps and if not I do understand