Thanks PoetG. What you wrote reminds me of how a couple of months after my first child was born, my parents came for a visit. My Dad and I went out walking with my baby in the stroller, she started crying, and I picked her up to comfort her. I held and rocked her and rubbed her back. My Dad commented that he liked how I was with my baby and that he wished he and my mom had done things differently when we were little. My parents were very emotionally withholding when we were young--no expressions of love, hugs, physical affection, etc., not to mention the violence--and I took my Dad's comments to mean he wished they had been more loving to their children. It seemed like he had felt love but something had stopped him from expressing it. It turns out that their philosophy of being tough and rigid with their young children was based in part on a popular baby book of the day, which said that you had be tough with kids, not comfort them when they cried, let them cry themselves to sleep so they developed good coping skills, etc. etc. Like it was considered bad to show love, caring, give comfort, etc.? I had the impression that especially my mom wanted to raise the kids by this book (perhaps it was "the thing to do" in their area and era), and my Dad fell into line, deferring to her parenting preferences because she was the mother. Anyway, it was very healing to me to hear my Dad say he wished they had done things differently (essentially, that he wished he had been more loving). It helped me consider that maybe he really had loved me, even though he hadn't expressed it.

Sounds like you have come a long way, PoetG. I wish you well on the rest of your journey.