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AJ's dad was here talking to me about AJ. Saying his friend who is a doctor had the same problem with their son. He said his friend gave his son $1,000, walked him to the car, gave him the key and told him to leave. A year later, the young man is working, going to school and making top grades. I told AJ's dad I am behind him, but the tears started. He looked shocked. lol.. I said I know what you are doing is right, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I am soo way too sensitive.
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This is tough love. You aren't *too* sensitive, you are sensitive. We love our children and don't want them to hurt. But not growing up and staying dependent does hurt, and that's evident in his outrages.
The doctor who clearly set the boundaries about how things were going to be from that minute on, gave his son the gift of freedom. The son is no longer trapped and stagnant as a dependent adult - he has been set free to learn what he needs to learn to make his life feel fulfilling and worthwhile.
We don't abandon them, although it can feel that way at first, and that feeling can make many parents back down from what they know will bring the results all desire. When we tell them, your dependent childhood is now over, and here is how it's going to be from now on, we are loving them and encouraging them.
They are relieved even if they try to win a return to the symbolic womb by holding on to the raging a while longer; it's to be expected as part of the trasition and acceptance. What they may not voice for a long time, is that they are relieved. They are relieved like a small child who is SO tired and is cranky and miserable, and only wishes for someone to put them to bed, to make that decision that they cannot make themselves.
The gift to go live an independent life, to learn the joy of working, achieving, learning, growing, having friends... is a gift given with love and is a gift of love.