I can also relate, sycorax. I think that my feeling undeserving prevented me from finding a lasting love relationship. The loneliness is awful. I still wonder what happened that was so terrible to set this pattern in motion, continuing all these years. And likewise, I've had the experience of wanting to hold onto my father, when he was sick with cancer, wanting to freeze time, stave off the inevitable. The same with my dogs. It was like anticipatory grief.