I take 900mg of lithium. The plan is 300mg tonight/ 300mg tomorrow. 300mg at bed time next day. 0mg by Saturday. Wait 24hrs, quit lamicital. Then .25mg of clonazepam three times/day. wait 2 days. .25mg twice a day for two days. Then .25mg once a day for two days. I will be completely off by next saturday or sunday. (I cant count. ha ha.). I don't like how slow the weening of the clonazepam takes so long. I guess it's for my safety. But I will have to get that script filled I guess tomorrow, because i don't have enough pills. Boo.

He thought i was being foolish. Maybe he's right; maybe this is me being the same old impulsive me. But I think this is a good decision in the long run right now. It's not the right time for me to take meds for BP. I want a solid picture of me off of them, to be honest. If i am uncontrollable, then, i'm uncontrollable and i might consider going back on something.. But if it's just depression with a hint of hypomania, i think i'll be able to handle it. The suicidality that led us to this, well, A. i have a token i wear every day that life is worth living, 2. i see therapist twice a week. c. I have a much better relationship with my sister, and if things go south, i have a safe place to talk things out.

I think the reason i got suicidal was that i was bottling; and not talking. Well, i'm talking a hell of a lot now, and to a lot of people. I will also be changing my habitat to my own place, relieving a lot of anxiety and stress. A place to call my own; with a cat, and curtains, and maybe even dinner guests from time to time. I won't feel ashamed in inviting them over to hang; i won't feel like it's always disgusting because, well, yes, i too gave up.

I need to find my own place in the world. The drugs aren't going to help me. This is about me, and me alone. I want to live my life drug free, and see how i am now that i am not dissociating.

I fully believe that drugs can be of benefit to some people, and you know, they may be for me. But right now, I quite honestly do not have the drive to find out. It's not there anymore; it's gone.

I want to just be me. This is a time for strength. Strength of character and of mind. I refuse to be dominated by this illness; i REFUSE to let it rule my life.